Escape Life’s Unavoidable Tasks And Discover Unlimited Motivation, Well-Being and Fulfilment
Escape Life’s Unavoidable Tasks And Discover Unlimited Motivation, Well-Being and Fulfilment
Reclaim your autonomy and increase your motivation
Whenever I propose the (radical) idea of doing more of what makes your spirit happy, the #1 question or objection I typically get sounds something like this:
but what about the things you just have to do?
you can’t just walk around doing whatever you want
sometimes you just have to suck it up
not everything can be fun
In short, some unpleasant tasks and responsibilities are simply unavoidable in life. More than an objection, this often comes across like a defence of it, or a complete defeat to it. But does this have to be the case? Let’s take a in-depth look at what seems to be preventing us from doing more of the things that makes our spirits happy!
The Must And Should Myth
In order to live a life aligned with your wants and needs you will want to come to a very important conclusion, one that is deliberately hidden and hardly explored, that there are really no musts or shoulds, there’s only ever choice. We always have a choice — even when it doesn’t seem like it. Understanding this is the first step of doing more of what you want to do, more of the things that makes you happy.
What we typically consider musts or shoulds are what can be considered commitments, duties, obligations or responsibilities. They are things that we knowingly or unknowingly, voluntarily or not, entered into. They might be things that we’ve been taught our whole lives, conditioned to believe and raised to comply with.
Duties and responsibilities stem from a blend of philosophy, culture, law, psychology, and religion.They can be considered an essential piece for the functioning of individuals within societies, helping to maintain order, promote ethical behaviour, and ensure the well-being of communities. To me, there’s a risk, when these societal and social duties and responsibilities are taken on without any thought, or ever questioned which can lead to you adopting behaviours and a lifestyle that simply isn’t a fit for you. Living up to expectations and following the norm might prevent you from meeting your wants and needs, because it asks you to do what you should do or what you have to do.
In the words of the Nonviolent Communication founder Marshall Rosenberg: Depression is what you get for being a “good girl” or “good boy”.
Good girls and good boys is what we are when we comply and do what we’re told.
When I suggests that we shrug the worlds musts and shoulds it’s not that I’m advocating anarchy, it’s that I truly want a peaceful and compassionate society committed to the well-being of every individual.
I argue that an individual whose needs are met is a more productive, safe, content and contributing individual … since they’re not preoccupied with trying to figure out ways to get what they want. Instead they can focus on the higher levels of human needs and motivations; growth and contribution. And this is what I want for you. For all.
Seeing where expectations, duties or obligations come from, can help untangle the sensitive and at times complex issue of there being certain “unpleasant tasks that are unavoidable in life”.
The Hidden Choice Behind Every Obligation
How do you see beyond all the musts or shoulds and recognise the choice?
One of the easiest ways that I’ve come to discover when it comes to seeing the choice being made, is when faced with a must or should, ask yourself:
What happens if I don’t? If I don’t do what I “must” or “should” what happens then?
The answer to that question is typically the consequence that you choosing to avoid. Herein lies the choice. Let me give you an example, an example that I’ve given many times before but only because it serve as such a painting example.
Recognising Your Power to Choose: A Simple Exercise
At one point when I was still teaching at the personal fitness trainer school that I co-founded, I was demonstrating the principle of how there are no musts or shoulds, in class that time, there was a woman that I’ll call “Kim”, who, to my radical claim, responded that, “you HAVE to take care of your children at least!” And I asked, “What happens if you don’t take care of your children?”
Kim: “They would starve and die.”
Me: “Oh, so what I hear you say is that you DON’T WANT your children to starve and die. So you’re CHOOSING to take care of them, right?”
Kim: “...eh … Yes.”
It’s always a choice, and you don’t HAVE to do anything. When you think that you must or should do something, and it really feels like it, it makes whatever you’re about to do feel energy draining and demotivating.
Now, what about paying the bills? Let’s explore it:
Me: “What happens if you don’t pay the bills?”
You: “I’ll receive late notices and fees, and eventually I will have services shut down or find myself evicted!”
Me: “Oh, so what I hear you say, is that you prefer your heat and electricity, your streaming account(s) and to live in your home, so you’re choosing to pay your bills, correct?”
You: “… eh … Yes.”
Here’s another fun example:
Coming home to find the kitchen in a mess, you think to yourself, “Why is it that I always have to be the one to clean up around here?!” Here I’d like to invite you to see that you don’t have to clean up after someone else (you don’t even have to clean up after yourself). Ask yourself, “What happens if I don’t clean up?” The kitchen would stay messy and dirty. What’s the problem with that? I’d guess that you don’t want it to be messy and dirty, right? So you’re choosing to clean up. It’s your choice, only always.
I would go so far as to say that, when you start seeing the choice being made here, you can even start to take pleasure in doing house chores, when you realise that you’re doing them not because you have to, but because you want to. You’re doing them because you prefer a clean home or kitchen.
It’s not that you ever HAVE to do anything, it’s always a choice. Even if it doesn't feel like it, there’s always a choice. And when you realise this, it presents you with options, where before there were none.
The Consequences of Feeling Powerless: Why Choice Matters
Feeling a lack of choice leads to feeling a lack of autonomy, of having a say in the matter. Feeling a lack of autonomy and control in one’s own life leads not only to the death of all joy and excitement in life, but it’s been shown to lead to us actually dying. Decades of research have shown that people with little control over their lives face a significantly higher risk of death. For example, a 2016 study found that individuals in low-control environments had a 15% higher risk of dying early, while a 2019 study revealed a 39% increase in mortality risk for those with limited autonomy1.
By recognising that you always have a choice, you (re)gain autonomy and control over your life. And when you see that what you do isn’t something you have to do but rather something you want to do and choose to do you automatically increase your level of motivation. Try it for yourself right now:
Looking at the sentences below, grade your level of motivation for each statement, with 1 being the least and 10 the highest.
I have to go to work [ your score ]
I should go to work [ your score ]
I want to go to work [ your score ]
I have to do the laundry [ your score ]
I should do the laundry [ your score ]
I want to do the laundry [ your score ]
Looking at the grades you gave each phrase, what’s the phrase that motivates or demotivates you the most?
Practical Steps to Reclaim Your Autonomy
Following the line of thought that I explored before, how behind every must or should there’s a choice of avoiding a consequence or to gain a reward ( which is called extrinsic motivation) you can now guide yourself to see what the actual choice is that you’re making every time something feels like a must or should.
What happens if I don’t go to work? I’ll lose my job, and can’t afford my bills. I don’t want to lose my job or make changes to my lifestyle. So I’m choosing to go to work so that I can keep my job and afford to keep up my lifestyle.
What happens if I don’t do the laundry? It looks messy and eventually I won’t have anything clean to wear. I prefer a clean house, and to have clean clothes. So I’m choosing to do the laundry in order to maintain a clean house and clean clothes.
The power of recognising the choice that is being made is that you raise your awareness around the options that you have and couldn’t see before. By seeing the choice you’re making or the options that you’re choosing between you might realise that you don’t like any of them. You might see how none of them seem to really be intrinsically motivated. Thanks to your newfound awareness you can finally start making new choices revealing new options that before wasn’t available to you.
If you don’t like the choices you’re making or options you have, you can simply make new ones: choices and options that are inherently satisfying in and of themselves, leading to a happier and more fulfilling experience, making your spirit come alive.
You can see that you’re choosing to go to work so that you can keep your job and afford to keep up your lifestyle, correct? Now, seeing the choice, you might also see that you don’t really like the choice being made or the options you have. So what else can you do in this situation?
You could change jobs
Decrease your expenses so that you need less money, and perhaps you can keep your job but work fewer hours
What about the laundry? When seeing that there’s a choice being made, that in order to maintain a clean house and clean clothes you’re doing the laundry, you could decide to make different choices, like:
Make a schedule sharing the house chores with the family
Own less clothes(?) which could perhaps help reduce the big pile of clothes needing to be washed. Wearing a piece of clothing one time only to throw it in the laundry basket because you can’t put dirty clothes back in the wardrobe and you have so many pieces of clothes that you should wear can easily create more laundry than necessary.
Beyond Musts And Shoulds Lies Motivation, Well-Being And Fulfilment
In a world that often feels dictated by "musts" and "shoulds," recognising the power of choice is transformative. By understanding that every action you take is ultimately a decision, you reclaim your autonomy and open doors to a more fulfilling life. This shift in perspective isn't about avoiding responsibilities or promoting chaos; rather, it's about consciously aligning your actions with your values and desires, and in so doing, becoming a fulfilled and contributing member of society.
Ultimately, embracing the power of choice leads to a more intentional, motivated, and joyful existence. It allows us to break free from the cycle of burnout and dissatisfaction, creating space for growth, creativity, and genuine fulfilment. So, the next time you find yourself facing a "must" or "should," pause and ask yourself: "What happens if I don’t? What’s the choice here and why?" The answer might just be an invitation to do more of what makes your spirit happy.
Nobody needs a coach, but having one can transform your life. I help people get unstuck! Check out my Guidance page to see how I can help. Get in touch.
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Today's Managing Partner: https://todaysmanagingpartner.com/lack-of-autonomy-a-surprising-silent-killer-in-the-workplace/
I love this perspective, Adam. It's something we all need to remind ourselves of over and over and over again.
It's okay to get frustrated with tasks or responsibilities (the shoulds) but, once we allow those emotions, it's important to then CHOOSE how we are going to approach these things: as something that we are forced to do or as something that is aligned with our wants and needs.
Thank you for providing such thoughtful and practical examples to go along with this idea!